My Dragon

bpanthress_dracokoncombo

Render by BlackPanthress.

Kon, my dragon, is an avatar who has a very deep rooted meaning to me. Whereas many people in the fandom have created extravagant characters and personas on a whim, Kon is different in that I have put forth absolutely zero conscious effort into its creation. There are a number of ways in which a “fursona” is created; most of the time someone will just pick their favorite animal and color and be good to go, whereas those who consider themselves otherkin must go through a lot of soul searching and meditation before coming upon their avatar. Even still, there are people who seem to just pick a random animal, generally a purposefully obscure one, for the sake of being a unique snowflake.

There’s really nothing outwardly special about Kon’s appearance or design, to be honest. Shi is a simple lavender/mauve dragon, but the ringer here is shi was cultivated entirely in my dreams; my brain created hir while on autopilot. I use the pronouns “shi” and “hir” because Kon is a creature of both genders. Yes, that sounds wacky and I accept that; In older stories of mine you’ll see Kon (erroneously “Dracokon”) referred to as “he”, though as I continued to dream about the dragon and experience hir more fully I realized there was more to hir than what I assumed was concrete fact. The outward appearance, personality, and sexual preference of the dragon are all facets that originally began with blanks and were slowly filled in as information either became available or was generated on its own. I take the dragon at face value regardless of whether or not new revelations seem questionable.

Shi is a difficult character to describe largely because of the nature of how I came about finding hir. For that reason, I’d like to take a moment and talk more about what I mean by being “cultivated entirely in my dreams”. The first time I saw Kon was in a dream I had some time around 2004/2005. In it, I was myself as I am in the waking world and was attempting to navigate a path around the side of a mountain. It began to rain and I knew that finding shelter from the storm was paramount; I persisted along the path hoping to come upon an alcove or nook in which to stay dry and wait it out. While traversing the mountain I could barely make out a large figure ahead of me sitting on a rock formation jutting out from the face of the landform. With a flash of lightning I noticed it was a dragon facing away from me, the one I’d end up getting to know as “Kon”. I became extremely quiet, hoping perhaps the sounds of the storm would mask any rustling or movement of my own. There was another flash of light, and even though it was only for a split second I could tell that in the brief period of time that had passed the dragon had turned around and was staring at me. I woke up.

I didn’t see the dragon again for a long while — several months or so — until I began having slightly recurring dreams where I became aware of the fact that I was no longer participating in them as my human self. I had become what I assumed was the dragon seen in the dream mentioned above. These secondary dreams were much more fragmented pieces; a good way to describe them would be “slice of life”. Some of them were mundane things like flying or walking around in a cavern. Other ones were more peculiar and occasionally featured another dragon as well as some disjointed fragments of conversations with them. Some of the conversations were rather unmentionable while others seemed to carry a more emotional weight to them. Yes, there were even a few dreams that were sexual in nature. It was through these interactions that I began to develop an ongoing mental picture of what Kon looked like, what gender shi was, and how shi acted.

I’ll admit, I became infatuated with the dragon. It seemed very peculiar to me that in the midst of mundane normal dreams (as well as issues with recurring nightterrors I once had) that there appeared to be this little network of visions completely and entirely unrelated to everything else I’ve dreamt about and virtually self-contained in this little “dragon world” without people or cities or technology. For a period I understandably subscribed to the otherkin community because given what I had known at the time this was apparently something worth exploring. I don’t like the label, however, because personally I am an atheist. Believing in dragon spirits and reincarnation is completely incompatible with my viewpoints on religion and the sciences. I do not profess myself to be “otherkin”, but if others wish to refer to me as that then I am understanding toward the reasoning. I have a much more psychological approach to Kon and hir place in my life. Without discrediting other peoples’ opinions on what dreams are and what they mean, ultimately they are subconsciously-produced experiences. I did not create Kon as I know hir, she was created entirely in these little vignettes I sometimes see at night. Subconsciously, this is perhaps how my own mind sees itself or this is the form it finds most pleasing or agreeable. Whatever the reason, I have opted not to alter Kon at all; I present and celebrate hir in the way that I know hir, regardless of whether or not this image will eventually change or evolve over time.

It is important to note, on the subject of alterations and information that I receive subconsciously, that there are two exceptions to this claim. The first is in regards to the blue stripes seen on the dragon. Those aren’t there in my dreams; admittedly, I chose to add the stripes as a means of simple differentiation in works of art. Secondly, hir name is not actually “Kon”. Technically, as of this writing, shi is nameless. I chose “Kon” because that is my name and because to an extent shi is me, the name seemed appropriate. Finally, on the subject of names “Kon” as a dragon is pronounced “con” whereas “Kon” as my surname is technically supposed to be “cone” even though I’ve adopted the Americanized version of it anyway (“con”). If I ever find out what my dragon’s name is/was I’ll adjust things here accordingly.

Finally, it’s also worth noting my reputation as a niche kinkster sometimes precedes me online and this has blurred the identity of my dragon quite a bit. Somewhere along the line I became recognized by my dragon in its amorphous/goo form rather than the standard flesh and bone version that I cultivated. Both are technically correct, after all I AM allowed to indulge in whatever weird stuff I get off on, right? It’s just an important distinction to point out that one of the two dragons is the one I identify with on a personal level and the other is one that I enjoy fooling around with as an online persona. Whatever’s easier for you and whatever turns you on is cool with me, I guess.

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