don't know why I do it, really. Email messages and Livejournal posts from my ex's, I have them saved. They're on my hard drive, like some kind of bizarre reminder of who I am and why I'm alone should I ever decide to question the status quo.

tried laying in bed about 4 hours ago -- and today wasn't a bad day, either. At 3:00 AM when I had been laying in bed for a couple of hours I got a drink, and for no real reason I just started to reflect on things. I have a stuffed alligator that keeps me company, and this is one of those times when I realize that's not suitable company... at all. I thought about the love I once had and lost, many times, and my yearning brought me to my computer soon thereafter, reading through posts obscured and concealed by time. Posts and messages directed to me from people I wanted to trust my life to (and in the first case, someone I did trust my life to); posts I had saved to my computer to remind me of mistakes I shouldn't ever make again.

have pictures, too. And gifts and other treasures; artifacts from what seems like another world, but things that when I hold close to me and remember their meanings I'm taken away to certain places and times when things were "better". If I try hard enough I can recall what it was like to hold hands with someone, and what it felt like to gently fall asleep in someone's arms. However over time I've begun to look at my past selectively, and through rose-tinted glasses. I remember only what I want to remember, and that's why I saved all of the bad things too.

'm not a bad person, I used to be though. I made a lot of mistakes and did a lot of stupid things in my past that I will likely regret for the rest of my life, but I'm different now. I want to say I was different back then, but in those days I was in limbo, ashamed of who I really was on the inside and wearing a disguise on the outside to keep people fooled. I was miserable and took out my misery in inappropriate ways. I hurt the ones I love, and maybe that's why they're all gone. I see myself in the past, and I didn't deserve what I had back then. I didn't deserve that love I had, regardless of the fact that she made me feel complete.

eople who have never loved always say "better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" -- and people who belong to the other side say the total opposite, "love is a waste of time". There is no winning, really, just a matter of how badly you want to lose at something and to what extent. I know what it felt like to be loved, really. And foolish pre-Dracokon me took it for granted. It was the last mistake I ever made, and it's the one I have paid for every single day of my life since then. I write, but why do I cast myself in all of my stories? Because to me -- in my mind -- when I print them out they become a door into a new world, a world where I am a benevolent god and that at least one version of me can be happy. The Kon on paper isn't an accurate portrayal of me at all now that I think about it. I am not happy, I just have "good days" when I get to remember what it feels like to smile and laugh.

onight is one of those nights when I pine for the company of somebody, anybody, who would make me feel worthwhile. Somebody to give me an incentive to want to wake up tomorrow, a person that would mend that ever bleeding cut in me left as a reminder of lessons I've learned in life. Someone who would be able to tell me they loved me and I wouldn't feel suspicious or skeptic of, so I could finally stop "Kon"ning myself into a false sense of complacency night after night.

almost made a choice one night that, had I done so, would prevent me from being a part of this community. I helped myself out of that ditch in my life and right now I am living my second chance, something that not everybody gets. I just wish I had a second chance with her, though, I guess, and I know I never will. I fear that the hole left in me will never go away no matter what I put there, and I weep. Eternally.

Much love,