...f you handled a situation differently? Or maybe chose your words a little better? Or just waited a little while before you told someone something?

wonder about that -- a lot. It's November (obviously) and three years ago around this time was when a very special relationship I had with someone I loved dearly was forcefully taken from me and ripped apart. I've always been "different" in the way I interact with people because I just can't find the attraction but this special girl was "different" as well in a few ways (not zeta or anything, but we both had our quirks). It was a mutual relationship of understanding, or at least it was until I fully came out to her as a zoophile and things, well, went to hell. I've always had issues with depression, but it was at this time when things went into full gear and got really, really bad. I contemplated suicide (and wasn't able to go through with it), and just quit taking care of myself altogether. You know when you see someone and you look at them and say "wow, you look like crap"? That was me; unkempt messy hair, hadn't shaved in a week, and wearing the same shirt that I had likely been wearing for a few days.

bounced back from those dark times after seeking counseling and help, and I'm doing a lot better than I was back then, but I still wouldn't say things are just "great". Even though I've really tried to settle down in a serious manner with two more people since then (one of which was psychologically abusive and the other left me feeling used) it was that first one that left the biggest cut on me because I was so emotionally invested in her. We were never intimately close at the time and I was fine with that, because just being able to snuggle on the couch with her and watch a movie was all I ever really wanted. I remember I was so happy one night I cried, and she thought she had done something wrong -- but I told her she had just done everything right. Over 20 years, that's how long I've spent in this world so far, and I've been mostly alone. It was really something to feel loved for once, even though at the time she didn't really know me for who I really was.

ur relationship ended, and I just gave up. She ran into me about a year afterward and took note that I indeed looked like hell and we talked for a while, even though I really didn't want to. She asked a bunch of questions because I guess she still cared about me, and I answered back. I told her that one of the only reasons I was there that day we talked was because I didn't have anything sturdy to tie a noose to, and just thinking about that moment in my life is pretty depressing. My story brought her to tears, and she must have apologized at least fifty times that day. She hurt me, very badly. She left scars on me that still hurt to this very day, but on that day when she apologized she meant it. I forgave her for what she had unknowingly done to me, and we are friends now.

riends. That's it. That's all we are. By that time she had already met someone else and was getting ready to move in with him. I wanted her back, I really did. Now that I had actually known what it felt like when someone loved you, I wanted it back. But I digress, all we were capable of doing was going out to lunch once in a while when she visits town, and we sit on opposite sides and just catch up about work and school. That's what our relationship has become. I remember a time when both of us would have likely given ourselves to each other had we not been at her parents house, and now here we are making small talk like we just barely met the day before.

e still talk to each other. I got a text from her last night actually. It was a joke about how awkward it is to get an email from a family member that one might misconstrue the subject line as being a fetish or a kink. I came out to her about my zoophilia 3 years ago, and earlier this year she approached me and wanted an open ear, so I did my best to listen and help. She spilled her heart out and told me about all of her little interests and quirks that she was too scared to tell her new boyfriend. It was honestly the most surreal thing I've experienced; considering what happened when I apporached her and outed my feelings it seems like I'm the absolute worst possible candidate for advice on the subject!! We share a few minor kinks and interests, actually. I'll spare you all the details of them, though, but it hurts me to know all of this so far after we split up. We really would have been so compatible with each other and it's crazy when you realize we were both sitting on this goldmine on commonalities.

ut no, we are just friends. I often think back to the night I came out to her and wonder what would have happened if I had just waited longer. She is okay with it now, and has told me so herself, but that's too little too late. That's great that she's fine with it and has accepted it, but it means nothing to me now that we're about as close as two identical poles on a magnet. She's changed a lot since then though, so much that I doubt we'd even be compatible these days anyway; but she is moderately happy with her new relationship (and I hear about it now and then online), and I'm still here. Alone, and likely so for a very long time.

Much love,