For as long as I was “Dracokon” I used a recognizable purple dragon as my online avatar. Technically, she (yes, “she”, that will be explained in a bit) does not have a proper name and never has… however I wouldn’t fault you for assuming her name was just “Dracokon” or even simply “Kon” as the latter was used as a stand-in for the few stories and collaborations she appeared in. (For clarification though, “Dracokon” itself doesn’t actually mean anything; it’s literally just a combination of the word “draco” and my last name minus the “H” to alter its pronunciation since “draco-cone” doesn’t sound as nice as “draco-con” phonetically. I didn’t really put a lot of thought into this because as I said in Konned: An Origin Story my presence within the furry fandom was meant to be disposable so I didn’t really care what my username was.)
My dragon first appeared as my online avatar before I’d even considered joining the fandom, she was developed as a representation of myself during the brief period I spent in the dragonkin community. I’d venture a guess that I started using her as my online persona some time around 2004, and at the time she was created she was originally male.
One of the things that drew me to the dragonkin community initially was obviously my underlying affinity for large reptiles of all sorts, but the other side of the matter is that I would routinely have dreams where I was in the body of a dragon. I wasn’t always aware of it, but for the times I was everything within those dreams seemed to be fairly consistent. This betrayed all the other non-dragon dreams I’d have where the usual off the wall and nonsensical things took place; those dreams were, for lack of a better explanation, fully randomized. The dragon dreams however felt to me like they all took place within the same “universe”.
I remember the first dream I ever had that involved this dragon. I, as my normal everyday human self, was out hiking and exploring but it was starting to grow dark and a storm was brewing on the horizon. I realized I needed to find shelter from the coming storm so I sought refuge in a cavern that went into the side of a mountain. By the time I made it there the storm had blown in and the rain was hellacious. In order to reach the cavern I had to quietly sneak past a large purple dragon that was content to seemingly sit outside in the rain. It appeared preoccupied with the storm as its attention was focused on the sky allowing me to pass undetected. I never took my gaze off of the beast however, even as I had slinked by and was now walking away from it. A bolt of lightning lit up the sky and illuminated everything in the area including the dragon. It was still looking elsewhere. The light faded as quickly as it had flashed, but as the next bolt hit all I could process was that in the brief period of darkness it had turned its attention elsewhere and was now looking straight at me.
Then, I woke up.
In retrospect I wouldn’t classify that dream as “frightening” or anything, but it was certainly more important in the grand scheme of things than I initially gave it credit for. The fact that the memory of this dream has stuck with me in such a vivid state for over two decades lends credence to that notion. I cannot recall any dreams where I was a dragon prior to this, however every time I had a dream about dragons after this one I was always that dragon. I realized this gradually over a period of time because whenever I was aware of being in a dream like this and looked at myself I had scaly purple skin and a quadruped body just like the one I’d seen. After the dream about the storm I never saw the purple dragon as a third person observer again, I just became it.
The dreams I had as that dragon were quite strange in their consistency. They almost felt like replays of someone else’s memories, presumably that purple dragon’s. There were other dragons in these dreams, some of them appearing to me multiple times. The two that stood out to me and appeared most often were both female. One of them had a body whose skin started as a sort of dark denim blue on her head and gradually transitioned to a dull emerald green at the end of her tail. The other was a silver-gray dragon without any special coloring or pattern. The blue and green dragon (and the purple one I was) looked like a normal dragon, however something like that can be defined, but the silver one had a much more toned figure and very slight webbing between her fingers and toes with a very slight fin on her tail like she was more adept at navigating water than a “normal dragon”.
Much like how I don’t know the name of the purple dragon, I don’t know the names of these other two either. I do assume they all have names though, I just never knew what they were. The reason for this is because all of these dreams were completely silent. The best way I can describe this to you is that experiencing these dreams was like watching a movie without its audio track. I hesitate to compare them to a silent film though because the physical mannerisms of the actors in those films were often exaggerated to help get their point across, that’s not how these dreams looked. Things happened normally, and I know these dragons were speaking because their mouths would move and they would gesture just like a sapient being would if it were talking about something, but everything was dead silent. They were only silent to me however because even though I couldn’t hear what was happening whatever was being said was still being said because there were reactions and responses as if things were loud and clear. I’d imagine at some point during these dreams that these dragons would say each other’s names, but I never heard them.
If I had to summarize these dreams I guess I’d say they were “unremarkable”, aside from the fact that they involved dragons. They felt like little slices of life that played out which is why I said they almost seemed like replays of memories. There was no action, no excitement. Mundane is a good way of putting it. Laying in a field, talking with someone on a shoreline, just… living I guess. Some of these dreams were adult in nature and involved courtship between the purple dragon and one of the two females, but never at the same time and I got the impression that these events were happening quite some time apart from one another. I can’t explain why I felt that way but it had something to do with the setting and the way things played out. It felt to me like some amount of time had passed but how much I don’t know, I never had any sort of grasp on that concept in these dreams. I hesitate to call these dreams “pornographic” because they weren’t, they were boring in the way normal sex is. Not to say the act wasn’t thrilling or enjoyable but this wasn’t a dream where you’re banging Pamela Anderson and she’s got giant knockers and the perfect body and all that.
The role the purple dragon played in those particular dreams was that of the male, however I suppose a more apt description would be the “top” though that distinction would not become clear to me until years down the road. She was doing the penetrating, ergo I just assumed “male”. After all, that’s what I am in the waking world. It seemed like a very cut and dry thing to note, but that changed after a few years of me getting to “know” this dragon by way of all these dreams. I remember quite vividly a dream that involved courtship where the other dragon, a sort of rustic orange colored one, was most certainly male; he was the one doing the penetrating. The physical sensations that happened during that dream didn’t line up with what I knew about, well, bottoming, felt like. I realize this is going to sound absolutely batshit crazy but I know what being fucked in the ass feels like and this didn’t feel like that. It felt similar to it, but it didn’t correspond to any of the parts of my own body that get sensory input.
I dwelled on this for a little while and in the time that passed had a couple more “normal” courtship dreams, but then another one similar to the odd one out. Slowly I started to piece together that perhaps the dragon whom I assumed to be male perhaps wasn’t strictly that. She had male anatomy, yes, but there was also “something else” that I wasn’t able to figure out. I started leaning into believing the dragon was a hermaphrodite which would explain the demonstrably male experiences but also the couple that were incongruent with that identity as it may have been because the dragon also had female anatomy. Sure, that sounded weird to me but this is a dragon, a mythical being. Perhaps something like that was possible for this likely fictional species. As I’ve said this dragon of mine was something that was essentially created entirely on autopilot and I just took what was given to me in these dreams and used it to create what I assumed this dragon looked like. She evolved over time and incorporating, or rather “correcting”, her sex was just part of the process.
It’s important to understand when all this happened, to me at least. Saying “the character I identify with is a hermaphrodite” in 2025 has an entirely different connotation than it did all the way back in 2010/2011 when I adjusted the dragon to reflect these other dreams. Today the furry fandom has deteriorated so extensively and everything is so porn-rotted that virtually everyone who roleplays as a hermaphroditic character is without a doubt some braindead pervert transsexual. Anybody who portrays themselves outwardly as a hermaphroditic character today is almost assuredly doing it because their mind has been destroyed by shit like futanari hentai and I genuinely would not believe the testimony of a randomly selected fur who claimed otherwise. Not today, at least. Roleplaying was not the driving force behind the creation of my dragon, I hardly ever engaged in online roleplay. She came to me on her own in pieces over several dreams and I interpreted these experiences as “this is how my mind sees itself when it’s unshackled from the human body it’s attached to”. She did appear in a small handful of X-rated art pieces and stories, but my dragon was always a very personal and very intimate expression of my psyche. In an abstract way, she was my personal truth. Something of that depth is simply lost on the fandom as a whole now.
It’s unfortunate that hermaphroditic characters are so overwhelmingly represented in the furry community because I feel these hedonistic societal rejects have muddied the waters and cheapened what personas such as my dragon mean to the people they belong to who aren’t here just to see if we can break the record for most porn downloaded in a single day. Near the end of my time in the fandom I definitely caught the vibe that the type of avatar I used came with a very specific reputation that painted me in a light that didn’t match a single facet of my personality at all. That was a mere decade ago (as of the penning of this journal). Where things have gone in the past ten years is as shocking as it is depressing and gross. I’m in no rush to find out how bad things will be in another ten years.
I suppose the bigger question here is “do I still identify as that same dragon?” The answer is yes, I do. She has not changed at all since I adjusted her form to be a hermaphrodite though this is largely because the frequency of the dreams I have involving her have essentially dried up. The last time I can recall having a very vivid dream about her was over a decade ago around the time I was having minor surgery done. In that dream I remember being in a sort of grassy valley near a stream talking to the aqua-colored dragon I described earlier. Like all the other dreams I heard not a word of what was spoken, but the atmosphere of the dream didn’t feel pleasant to me. I wasn’t able to hear what was being said but the emotions and the reactions were all present and I recall there being this sense of desperation, an avoidance of what was inevitable. What that was exactly I do not know, though I believe it had something to do with the aqua dragon because I remember seeing her and the silver-ish one many times but never together at the same time. It’s possible it could’ve been a conversation about something as dire as mortality, it would explain why I never saw those two in the same dream and why I always had this lingering feeling of the passage of a significant amount of time in these random collections of memories.
There is definitely a story to be told here, though I fear that perhaps whatever that story is will never be revealed to me. I’ve tried lucid dreaming with mixed results but I feel like that’s almost “cheating” in a weird sort of way. This dragon and the fragments of her memories came to me on their own and at their own pace. Forcing that seems greedy in a way that I cannot easily explain. I’m not ready to pull the trigger on saying something brash like “I was this dragon in a previous life” because I have exactly nothing to base that claim on. The dreams I had about this dragon were consistent but still fragmented and fuzzy, it’s entirely possible that they aren’t significant in the slightest and I’m just reading too far into things generated by my subconscious because as a kid I really had an interest in Spyro the Dragon, who is also purple. That’s why I’ve avoided describing the dragon in a manner that implies some sort of spiritual significance or connection; I feel like my rationalization of “this is how my mind sees itself” is the most sincere way of identifying with her. Maybe she is just some iteration of Spyro with a few wires crossed. That’s fine. If that slightly remixed image of Spyro is something that my mind connected with then it’s still important to me and I want to celebrate how intimate of an identity that still is.
It’s not some kink, it’s not a fetish either. My dragon is the distillation of a collection of deeply personal dreams that I found a sense of identity with. Whatever she is, or was, and whatever her name actually is, I love her. I regret that I feel I whored her out for a while when I was spiraling in the furry fandom, but now that nearly a decade has passed I can take solace in the fact that I’ve reclaimed her and reconnected with that identity. I haven’t experienced anything as her in a painfully long time, but if I have to wait until I’m on my death bed before I get another glimpse into her life it will be worth the wait.
Until next time.
