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12/2018

I’ve left the furry fandom. I formerly had a contrived “farewell letter” here but I’ve replaced it with this brief post because I don’t want to give the impression that I’m kicking up dirt. I want to be left in peace.

I regret every single thing I did in this community. All of it. From day one bad actors had their hooks in me because I wrote a few racy fantasy stories about humans and dinosaurs and I was led down a very dark path because I was 19 and didn’t know any better. Virtually everyone pulling my strings had something to hide and their sick perversions were things I simply tolerated because I thought this was just “how things were”. They collectively normalized disgusting ideas to me that I knew absolutely nothing about in terms of ramifications. I didn’t have the backbone to stand up for myself and say “no”. I was, and still am to this day, terrified of these people. Cutting them out of my life has taken years of persistent work.

My choice to leave started in 2011 when a close friend realized I was in a dire situation and reached out. I’d fallen victim to the community’s feedback loop of praising everyone who provides spank material; it had blinded me to the fact that I was being taken advantage of. I had unknowingly sold my dignity and the realization disgusted me. Gradually, I began replacing my furry involvement with healthier hobbies that didn’t revolve around sex and I am a better person today because of this. Foolishly however I continued to use the “Dracokon” name for a few more years thinking I could be an example of someone who turned their life around, but I understand today that was a fool’s errand and everything that name represents to me elicits nothing but painful memories and triggers the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever felt. It reminds me that I was a victim.

I wish I never wrote my first few stories. I REALLY wish I never involved myself with Herpy. I should not have accepted encouragement from those who saw no issue with either of those things. I needed positive role models in my life, not them. I remained with Herpy for longer than I should have because I was too afraid to say otherwise; I know that looks bad on me but you weren’t in my shoes, I was surrounded by wolves. During my time with the fandom I received propositions for gross “favors”, all of which I turned down and none of which I can stomach to transcribe here. I was sexually assaulted. I was groomed and used. I never spoke a word about this because I was scared of what might happen in retaliation (and I’m still refusing to name names because of it). The psychological damage done to me has taken almost a decade to unravel and I’m nowhere close to being okay again. For years I’ve been receiving treatment for PTSD. I mean it when I say this: my life was ruined.

Yes, there are awful people in this fandom; unfortunately I’ve met them. But no, I am not one of them. I was a patsy and a useful idiot. I have moved on and reclaimed my life. I’ve cut ties unanimously. I am deeply sorry for what I said and did while I was here; I am as angry at my abusers as I am at myself for allowing these things to happen to me in the first place. Even though I’m talking about things that happened a decade or more ago these are matters that have eaten at my very soul every day for literal years and they’re still worth addressing if only for the sake of closure. I don’t stand by any of it and the regret I feel is indescribable. I mean this with as much weight as I can give to words on a screen. I’m sorry.

Please, respect my privacy and my desire to disengage. Please do not harass or stalk me; I have no gossip to share. I just want to heal and become the best person I can be for me, my family, my future partner, and for God. Please allow me to have the life that I very nearly lost.

Thank you, and God bless.

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